I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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