woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
