I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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