i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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