You can't motorboat a personality
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
