so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
