I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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