well I can't set my house on fire every night
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
