im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
