We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
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i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
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He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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