if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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