YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
