mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
