fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
