i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
