I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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