Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
