dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
