what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
