Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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