They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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