I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
