If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
