hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
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Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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