my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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