you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
