worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
