I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
