He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dicks are not precious.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
