I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
