so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
