My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
