I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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