I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
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She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
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What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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