There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
