Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
