when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
