just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
