turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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