that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
