I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
