i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
