You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
