And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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