He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just high enough for therapy.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
