i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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