Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
