you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
