Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
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I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
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I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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