my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
