You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
