I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
This house was built for laser tag.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
