Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
