Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
