You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
