Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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