quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
He passed out mid-signature
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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